We’re Back….

We apologize for the brief hiatus in our blog, but we needed to pause for a while to allow the creative juices to start flowing.  It wasn’t until we met one of our loyal readers that we understood how much we’d been lacking in the writing department.  A mutual friend introduced us to Buzz, who we endearingly named for her fabulous new do.  She was genuinely interested in our dating escapades and commentary, and it made us realize it’s not only our close family and friends who read the blog and to whom we’re accountable.  For that, we’re deeply sorry and will be much better about keeping up!  It’s not that the spinsters have been sidelined, but the documentation of our antics has yet to be broadcast.   Trust me, we have a lot to tell you!  With that, I will leave you with the promise of stories in the very near future.  Of course, we could just end this entire blog if Buzz would introduce me to Liam in October… I’m more woman than Miley will ever be!  #cradlerobber*sigh*  -M

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He’s Got 99 Problems… But This Bitch Ain’t One!

Spinster Saturday took us to historic Southend where we didn’t have a lot of luck save one very attractive gentleman who was the lone single man acting as DD for his married buddies. He was a cross between Justin Timberlake and Mr. Schuester but reached 6’3 so I was immediately intrigued! We hit it off and he stayed till close chatting me up, even when his friends decided to walk home. Since he revealed that he never drinks, I trusted him to give me a ride home and after he walked me to my door, he gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. I pulled out as much swag as I could muster from my drunken haze and put my digits in his phone. He immediately texted me on his way home and we drunkenly (on my part) flirted till we both passed out. Then I got this text message from him the next day:

Hi.  I want to let you know that I won’t call.  Without telling you my whole life, I am in a relationship.  A very confusing one.  I am not single, but I am single.  None of this makes sense I’m sure.  I don’t even know that you care.  But if you do, I know all too well what it is like to be excited and waiting on a phone call, and not get that call, so thought I would be upfront and honest with you so you might not have to feel that.  You seem like a great girl, very smart, and that you have your shit together.  You don’t want me, I’m damaged goods, and would only be wasting your time with me.  Sure this is all very weird to you, just wanted to explain.  It was very nice to have met you, and best of luck to you.  You’ll find a decent one I’m sure of it.

You’re right, but if you’re in a relationship and out flirting with me then I don’t want to waste my time with your damaged goods. And if your married friends were any warning, when they took off their wedding rings to hit on the 20-somethings I should have run. But where, sir, was this honesty when you were hitting on me Saturday night? You cannot blame your indiscretion on alcohol because you were sober!!  As my good friend E says, there are two kinds of people in this world you can’t trust: those who don’t drink and those who collect stickers.  Bottoms up!-M

Lessons from Eharmony – End of an Era

Online dating sucks.  We understand that the online thing works and has worked for a lot of people (E’s mom for example). For us however, it has yielded less-than-favorable results.  As our EH subscriptions come to an end, we thought we’d pause for a moment of reflection before starting the next adventure.  Although it’s only been a few months, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, men, and online dating.  Here are a few of the lessons we have learned:

  •  We put a valiant effort into online dating but we are women who cannot successfully date online due to the lack of chemistry and swagger.  Let us explain…when you go online, instead of seeing a person up-close, hearing him speak and watching him move, what you get is a blurry, postage-stamp size series of static photos which cannot be heard, felt, or smelled.  There is no substitute for in-person encounters and the connection you feel with that person.  By going online, you’re subverting a process that has worked just fine for propagating the human species for the past 3 million years.
  • Know who you are and what you want and don’t let any friend or any man change that.  We are dating to find someone who we can’t live without and it is perfectly normal to have extremely high expectations of that person.  Don’t let anyone tell you to lower your expectations or standards because then we’re just settling for the sake of being in a relationship.  Getting married doesn’t guarantee happiness; it only guarantees the end of dating.  Shouldn’t it end with someone that you always dreamed about?
  • We can’t date simple men.  We are complex, emotionally complicated, intelligent women who need men who can balance us.  Simple men get overwhelmed by our chaotic lives and cannot handle it.  It’s like oil and water: simple and hot-mess don’t mix.
  • The algorithms and points of compatibility that Eharmony uses to match you are a crock of shit.  While you may be a good match on paper with a man, in person it may be an absolute flub.  Data about characteristics like personality and attitudes cannot accurately predict how that real life interaction will function.  An online photo and a few email exchanges are poor proxies for chemistry sparked by meeting in person, which leads to a lot of disappointing first dates.
  • Never buy more than a one month membership.  The dating sites will try to rope you in for extended periods of time by offering discounted rates or bonus features, but you’ll know within a couple weeks if there are any decent profiles worth your 30 seconds of attention.
  • Each EH date is a like a mini relationship, complete with a mini breakup.  We also feel like it lends to microwaving something that really ought to be slow-cooked. You may or may not like someone within the first few seconds of meeting, but that doesn’t mean the jury should immediately render a verdict.  Instead, we tend to lean towards calling the jury back prematurely rather than looking to maybe begin a friendship.
  • This is one of the most exciting times in our lives so why rush the process? Hopefully, once we’re happily married, we’ll never date again, but that also means we probably won’t spend our free time trying new things for the sake of love or savoring the experiences this path has led us to.  Not because we can’t or don’t want to, but life will take us in a newly thrilling direction and by that time we hope to have gotten all we could out of this period.  So why rush it?!?  It’s a fun, uncomplicated, challenging, yet important time in our lives and we hope to live it to the fullest!

So the process continues… Just because we failed at online dating, and the bar scene isn’t our forte, doesn’t mean these two determined foxes will be giving up any time soon.  We move on from EH, a little wiser, a bit more self-aware, tougher skin intact, possibly a tad bitter, but definitely more resolute in our want to be happy with ourselves and a life-long partner.  So here is the tough part, how do we meet him?  We have a few things up our sleeves that are in the works already, but suggestions are always welcome!

-E&M

You’ve Got Mail

If you weren’t convinced that online dating sucks after my previous post, you’ll certainly agree now.  I officially ended my subscription to Eharmony, but before doing so I spent some time re-reading the correspondence from Charlotte’s Most Eligible.  From what I can gather, in an attempt to initiate conversation men will send one of the five following types of email:

1.  The “I’m Boring” email – This email is short and to the point but is guaranteed to ask the same 3 questions.

  • Where are you from?
  • How long have you been in Charlotte?
  • What do you do for fun?

I get it, you’re just trying to get to know me.  But I just fell asleep at my laptop.

2.  The “Hey” email – That’s it.  That’s all it says.  Sometimes they will get courageous and ask how your day is going or if you had a good weekend.  This type of guy is generally afraid of being shot down, so he just doesn’t take the time to compose an email consisting of more than two sentences.

3.  The “Cut and Paste” email – We caught this type of offender on his BS (see What a Tripp, Parts 1-3).  Guys like this are just playing a numbers game.  They figure if they send out the same email to enough girls, eventually one lame girl will take the bait.

4.  The “I Never Graduated Kindergarten” email – I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi.  Sue me (see Two Too Many Winkies post).  But I still don’t want to date a guy who sends me an email sans capitalization or with tons of weird slang and smiley faces. To me this indicates you are either lazy or completely uneducated. Either way, we aren’t going to work out.

5.  The “Desperado” email – This is when one of the guys above emails you again, asking why you never wrote back. Heeey creeper. Yea, I wasn’t interested the first time, but now that you are stalking me, I am totally going to write you back.

Once you’ve grouped a crappy email into one of these five categories, it’s generally easy to spot a good one.  Anything else will be promptly ignored and I’ll save my time and witty banter for someone deserving.

-E

Profile Problems

As we wrap up our 3 month stint on Eharmony, we thought it necessary to comment on the serious flaws with mens’ online dating profiles.  I give a dedicated 30 seconds of my attention to every profile, so you better make it count.  Your profile should provide me with pictures and compelling evidence as to why I should date you.  Here are some reasons why I won’t:

  • Grammatical errors – I know I’ve posted on this before, but it is a serious issue.  It is 2012 and all computers are equipped with spell check – so use it!
  • Age ain’t nothing but a number – If you are an old balding man with glasses with an age listed as 26, you aren’t fooling anyone.  Unless of course you are Benjamin Button.
  • No photos – Maybe I am just shallow but I’m gonna need to see some pictures before agreeing to go out with you. If you have none, or only one pic, I really don’t have a clue what you look like, and I’m not wasting my time writing back.
  • Photos with your ex – You know who that girl is in the photo.  I know who that girl is in the photo.  I don’t need to see what your ex looks like before I’ve even met you.
  • Self-photography in your bathroom – This tells me you have no friends to take a picture of you.  Or you haven’t been in a social setting in years.  Ever heard of Facebook?
  • Photos with your shirt off – I appreciate an active man and that you work out.  But this just screams COCKY and I would enjoy if a little could be left to the imagination.
  • Photos from a distance – Sure, a couple of big group shots of you as a tiny dot are fine if you are trying to show me some of the cool things you like to do (eg. skiing or surfing). But if all of your pics are from far away, I really don’t know what you look like and that’s a problem. (See above).
  • Photos of your dog – I love puppies as much as the next person, but I don’t want to date your puppy. Want to put a pic of you with your pup? Perfect! But an entire slide show of your dog doing different things is just silly.
  • Incomplete profiles – I understand the process of filling out the endless EH profile can be exhausting, but take a look at this gem to prove my point.  “The six things I could never do without: phone , newpepper.”  First: what is newpepper? Second: That’s only two things.

It really is no wonder that we weren’t successful in online dating after seeing what these cyber men had to offer. 

-E

Spartan Spirit

Now hear this – I have discovered the Holy Land of hot men in Charlotte!  This weekend I found the mecca at an event called the Spartan Race, held at the Whitewater Center.  My eyes have never feasted on so many hot, muddy, shirtless men in my entire life – except for maybe on the pages of GQ Magazine.  Saturday I participated in the race which was challenging and fun, but the best part was the outdoor shower facility for finishers to rinse off.  Below is the PG version of the showers, but picture this scene a few hours later with 50 Spartans stripping to their skivvies and scrubbing mud off their godly physiques.  I was in sheer heaven.  I almost went back into the mud pit, just so I could spend more time hosing down.

Sunday I made the pilgrimage back to the Holy Land, for nothing other than to watch more handsome men cross the finish line.  Next year not only will I participate, but I will volunteer to hand out medals to finishers.  I just hope the Spartan organizers don’t get pissed that I’ve etched my telephone number into the medals.

#spinstersparadise

E and one of the Spartans she got muddy with

-E

Lessons from Eharmony, Volume 3

There’s nothing like a night out with girlfriends to give you some perspective on dating and men.   Every woman has her list of what she wants in an ideal partner.  If you’ve read anything I’ve written height would be at the top of my list, followed closely by emotional maturity, sense of humor, athleticism, and a good friend.  Online dating sites, such as eHarmony, allow you to make that list and the computer individually picks out the men on the site that match it.  There is just one problem: computers can’t detect chemistry or swagger.

I have dated men that were perfect on paper, but in person the connection was missing.  I’ve also dated men who didn’t meet any of my requirements, but had enough swagger to sweep me off my feet.  You cannot fake swagger or chemistry and it can make or break a relationship.  Online dating isn’t conducive for those of us looking to make a connection with someone because it’s all about the list and not about the swag.

Most online daters will tell you that when on a date, it only takes 5 minutes to know if the spark is there or not.  If it’s not there, the rest of the date can be excruciating.  One of the foxy ladies I went out with last night had a fabulous idea to solve this issue.  How about an online dating site with 5 minute videos of each person?  It may save us from horrendous dates and it may also introduce us to some new ones that we would have overlooked based on the list alone.

-M

Barney Fife

St Patty’s Day weekend ended a long-running dry spell for me.  I think it’s because when E went out of town, I felt the need to carry on the blog in her absence and fell heavily in my zone.  I consequently picked up 3 dates and went out on the first one last night.  Here is some background in order to fully appreciate the story of this date.  During our last communication on EH I sent him an open-ended question about his worst date.  He answered with a story about a great date (from his perspective) until he paid for dinner and then the girl bolted out of the restaurant leaving him alone at his table.  RED FLAG #1.

It was a gorgeous night so we met at an outside patio, and I was pleasantly surprised that he lived up to his profile pictures.  That is, until he started talking.  From the second I sat down on the crowded patio, he started grilling me as if I was in the world’s most intense interview to be the next Mrs. EH.  What was my passion in life?  What do I do to better myself?  What’s my favorite restaurant? (which he forgot and asked twice)  He truly didn’t care how I answered, but just wanted to give me his cookie-cutter scripted Miss America answers that he’d obviously delivered hundreds of times.  When he talked he became overzealous to the point his eyes bulged out of their sockets like a cartoon character, which is why he has aptly been named Barney Fife.  RED FLAG #2.During this elaborate performance to prove to me that he and I were meant to be together, he lectured me on sports and what I didn’t understand about coaching and recruiting.  He changed his mind twice about food stating he hated fried food then told me his favorite restaurant was Bojangles, all trying to match my tastes and opinions.  I gingerly tried leading him to the conclusion that he was attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole by keeping up this charade, but he stayed annoyingly optimistic the entire time that I would come around and fall for his perfect façade.  RED FLAGS #3,4,5.

When the rain moved everyone inside the bar, I decided I couldn’t take any more of Barney Fife’s antics so I got some things off my chest.  I told him that women aren’t looking for men who have all of the right answers or the perfect resume on paper.  I told him everything he said was great and respectable but that I’d spent 3 hours talking to him and didn’t feel like I knew anything about the real him.  Unfortunately, Barney couldn’t take brutal honesty, told me I “wasted his f*&% time”, and stormed out of the bar.  Honestly, it was the best outcome for both of us.  I finally got the hell out of there and maybe he’ll learn why women keep storming out of his dates!

-M

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Proof All Men in Charlotte are Short

Two too many winkies

A couple weeks ago, Eharmony sent me the profile of a gentleman we shall now refer to as “Grammar Boy.”  I thought I was getting to know a 31 year old single man from Charlotte, but his grammar and conversational style pointed to a middle school aged Justin Bieber fan.  I’m not one to use the term “LOL” in my emails or texts… or ever really.  Seriously, have you ever seen me use LOL?  This man/Belieber used more LOL’s in one email than I’ve used my entire life, only to be trumped by the number of smiley faces he inserted.  The first few emails I gave him a break and attributed his grammatical errors to the not-so user friendly Eharmony mobile app.  I read phrases such as “Not sure what I’m doing tonight, I’ll just play it by year LOL ;)” and “Your going to do Great on your half marathon this weekend LOL ;)”.  I have friends that are college educated, but not the best at spell checker and emailing, but it doesn’t stop our friendship, so I thought I could look past (or passed) his elementary syntax and vernacular.  That is, until I exchanged a few painful texts:

That last LOL pushed me over the point of no return, so I stopped responding to his texts and emails.  We had planned to meet up for a drink one night, but I just couldn’t bring myself to meet this alleged college educated single man, only to get my hopes crushed when an MTV Teen Mom showed up with her phony EH profile.  I gave him the brush off, to which he sent an email “What happnd last night?  Hope nuthing bad…LOL.”  They say first impressions are everything, and if you send two too many winkies that impression is blown, pal.

-E

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