You’ve Got Mail

If you weren’t convinced that online dating sucks after my previous post, you’ll certainly agree now.  I officially ended my subscription to Eharmony, but before doing so I spent some time re-reading the correspondence from Charlotte’s Most Eligible.  From what I can gather, in an attempt to initiate conversation men will send one of the five following types of email:

1.  The “I’m Boring” email – This email is short and to the point but is guaranteed to ask the same 3 questions.

  • Where are you from?
  • How long have you been in Charlotte?
  • What do you do for fun?

I get it, you’re just trying to get to know me.  But I just fell asleep at my laptop.

2.  The “Hey” email – That’s it.  That’s all it says.  Sometimes they will get courageous and ask how your day is going or if you had a good weekend.  This type of guy is generally afraid of being shot down, so he just doesn’t take the time to compose an email consisting of more than two sentences.

3.  The “Cut and Paste” email – We caught this type of offender on his BS (see What a Tripp, Parts 1-3).  Guys like this are just playing a numbers game.  They figure if they send out the same email to enough girls, eventually one lame girl will take the bait.

4.  The “I Never Graduated Kindergarten” email – I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi.  Sue me (see Two Too Many Winkies post).  But I still don’t want to date a guy who sends me an email sans capitalization or with tons of weird slang and smiley faces. To me this indicates you are either lazy or completely uneducated. Either way, we aren’t going to work out.

5.  The “Desperado” email – This is when one of the guys above emails you again, asking why you never wrote back. Heeey creeper. Yea, I wasn’t interested the first time, but now that you are stalking me, I am totally going to write you back.

Once you’ve grouped a crappy email into one of these five categories, it’s generally easy to spot a good one.  Anything else will be promptly ignored and I’ll save my time and witty banter for someone deserving.

-E

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Spartan Spirit

Now hear this – I have discovered the Holy Land of hot men in Charlotte!  This weekend I found the mecca at an event called the Spartan Race, held at the Whitewater Center.  My eyes have never feasted on so many hot, muddy, shirtless men in my entire life – except for maybe on the pages of GQ Magazine.  Saturday I participated in the race which was challenging and fun, but the best part was the outdoor shower facility for finishers to rinse off.  Below is the PG version of the showers, but picture this scene a few hours later with 50 Spartans stripping to their skivvies and scrubbing mud off their godly physiques.  I was in sheer heaven.  I almost went back into the mud pit, just so I could spend more time hosing down.

Sunday I made the pilgrimage back to the Holy Land, for nothing other than to watch more handsome men cross the finish line.  Next year not only will I participate, but I will volunteer to hand out medals to finishers.  I just hope the Spartan organizers don’t get pissed that I’ve etched my telephone number into the medals.

#spinstersparadise

E and one of the Spartans she got muddy with

-E

Barney Fife

St Patty’s Day weekend ended a long-running dry spell for me.  I think it’s because when E went out of town, I felt the need to carry on the blog in her absence and fell heavily in my zone.  I consequently picked up 3 dates and went out on the first one last night.  Here is some background in order to fully appreciate the story of this date.  During our last communication on EH I sent him an open-ended question about his worst date.  He answered with a story about a great date (from his perspective) until he paid for dinner and then the girl bolted out of the restaurant leaving him alone at his table.  RED FLAG #1.

It was a gorgeous night so we met at an outside patio, and I was pleasantly surprised that he lived up to his profile pictures.  That is, until he started talking.  From the second I sat down on the crowded patio, he started grilling me as if I was in the world’s most intense interview to be the next Mrs. EH.  What was my passion in life?  What do I do to better myself?  What’s my favorite restaurant? (which he forgot and asked twice)  He truly didn’t care how I answered, but just wanted to give me his cookie-cutter scripted Miss America answers that he’d obviously delivered hundreds of times.  When he talked he became overzealous to the point his eyes bulged out of their sockets like a cartoon character, which is why he has aptly been named Barney Fife.  RED FLAG #2.During this elaborate performance to prove to me that he and I were meant to be together, he lectured me on sports and what I didn’t understand about coaching and recruiting.  He changed his mind twice about food stating he hated fried food then told me his favorite restaurant was Bojangles, all trying to match my tastes and opinions.  I gingerly tried leading him to the conclusion that he was attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole by keeping up this charade, but he stayed annoyingly optimistic the entire time that I would come around and fall for his perfect façade.  RED FLAGS #3,4,5.

When the rain moved everyone inside the bar, I decided I couldn’t take any more of Barney Fife’s antics so I got some things off my chest.  I told him that women aren’t looking for men who have all of the right answers or the perfect resume on paper.  I told him everything he said was great and respectable but that I’d spent 3 hours talking to him and didn’t feel like I knew anything about the real him.  Unfortunately, Barney couldn’t take brutal honesty, told me I “wasted his f*&% time”, and stormed out of the bar.  Honestly, it was the best outcome for both of us.  I finally got the hell out of there and maybe he’ll learn why women keep storming out of his dates!

-M

Two too many winkies

A couple weeks ago, Eharmony sent me the profile of a gentleman we shall now refer to as “Grammar Boy.”  I thought I was getting to know a 31 year old single man from Charlotte, but his grammar and conversational style pointed to a middle school aged Justin Bieber fan.  I’m not one to use the term “LOL” in my emails or texts… or ever really.  Seriously, have you ever seen me use LOL?  This man/Belieber used more LOL’s in one email than I’ve used my entire life, only to be trumped by the number of smiley faces he inserted.  The first few emails I gave him a break and attributed his grammatical errors to the not-so user friendly Eharmony mobile app.  I read phrases such as “Not sure what I’m doing tonight, I’ll just play it by year LOL ;)” and “Your going to do Great on your half marathon this weekend LOL ;)”.  I have friends that are college educated, but not the best at spell checker and emailing, but it doesn’t stop our friendship, so I thought I could look past (or passed) his elementary syntax and vernacular.  That is, until I exchanged a few painful texts:

That last LOL pushed me over the point of no return, so I stopped responding to his texts and emails.  We had planned to meet up for a drink one night, but I just couldn’t bring myself to meet this alleged college educated single man, only to get my hopes crushed when an MTV Teen Mom showed up with her phony EH profile.  I gave him the brush off, to which he sent an email “What happnd last night?  Hope nuthing bad…LOL.”  They say first impressions are everything, and if you send two too many winkies that impression is blown, pal.

-E

This One’s for Mom

I’ve found since starting this blog that the phone calls I receive from my mother have become less frequent, as she uses my posts as a way of keeping up with my busy life.  So this update is for you, Mom:

Tonight I’m going to dinner with Mr. Schuester.  I really was nervous about going out with him at first because he shares the same exact profession as Peter Pan, but after getting to know him a little I found he has more depth.  Peter Pan had boyfriend characteristics and interests… Mr. Schuester has husband characteristics and interests.  I think it’s a maturity thing and may have to write a separate post after researching this idea further during our date tonight.

Red Bandit called to ask me out again, so we’re seeing a movie tomorrow night.  I was ready to give him the brush off, but a wise friend told me not to be so judgemental because RB is a little nerdy.  I should be grateful and open to the fact that an educated and well-rounded man wants to spend his time with me. 

Sunday I met an EH match for brunch and for the life of me, I cannot think of a clever name to give this fellow.  He is so utterly boring and unremarkable that he will remain “The One That Shall Not Be Named.”  I feel like a raging bitch because he’s already texted (a major no-no) to ask me out Friday night, but I have no interest in seeing him again.  Maybe it was just my Raven superpowers that he couldn’t resist, but the connection just wasn’t there for me. 

I didn’t see Greg Focker, RN at work all week but he texted me Friday night to tell me what bar he’d be at if I wanted to get a drink.  The only thing he saw on his 2002 model flip phone was a blank screen.

Spinster Saturday was an utter shit show, thanks to a bottle of Prosecco, Picklebacks, and a dozen beers.  We were armed and loaded with napkins with our phone numbers, but so far no response to our sly advances.  M gave out two napkins, and I have no idea what happened to mine.  I can’t find it in my pants pocket, so I’m assuming I gave it to some lucky gentleman at the bar.  New rule for Spinster Saturday – don’t get blackout drunk or you’ll end up giving your number to a leprechaun at Ri Ra’s.  And by leprechaun, I mean the alarmingly huge population of short men living in Charlotte.

Leprechaun hunting on Spinster Saturday

-E

What a Tripp – Part 3: The Final Chapter

Today we decided we’d had enough of Tripp’s douchebaggery and drafted a response to his carbon copy email.  We gave him a dose of his own medicine and sent the exact email at the exact same time.  For your viewing enjoyment:

Hi There,

I hope this message finds you doing very well. I’m certain a guy like you with such witty jokes gets a ton of correspondence back from that generic email you send to every match on EHarmony so I apologize in advance for adding to it. 

Unfortunately your transparently nonspecific message outweighs your sales pitch, but I had to take a moment to comment on your failed attempt at flattery. 

I’m assuming that by my “unique appearance” you mean you like my pictures. However, you must see a lot of “unique” girls on EHarmony. Perhaps if you spent a little more time reading a match’s profile, instead of just flipping through the pictures looking for a gorgeous, athletic woman you may find a little more success at online dating. Furthermore, what common interests do you think we share? Since nothing you mentioned in your email or that I can find on your profile leads me to believe that we have any interests that are the same. 

I hope you will accept my unsolicited corny joke as a way of saying how offensive and impersonal I found your email to be.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Sincerely,

Uninterested

The Games We Play

I just took my dog for a walk and was amazed at how he had no fear, went straight up to a giant American Mastiff, sniffed his ass, and then tried to hump him. Now granted, my dog is 30 pounds soaking wet and maybe a foot tall, so when he tried to mount the horse disguised as a dog, the only thing he reached was his head. But neither of them seemed to mind, and in fact, they both seemed rather content.

I only bring this up because I wish dating in the human world was as simple as dating in the dog world. No games, straight-forward, no questions of whether you like him or he likes you. The only girl I know who has mastered the “no games” flirting technique is our friend Cray Ray whose method is something like this: Guy is hot. Girl is hot. Hot girl wants hot guy. Hot girl gives hot guy napkin with phone number and they live happily ever after. Very similar to the unambiguous technique used by all other mammals. I, regrettably, do not have the chutzpa to attempt such a bold gesture, and am thereby left playing games that will inevitably drive you crazy.

I went out on Friday night with a couple of girlfriends for what was only going to be happy hour. I ended up meeting a guy, and happy hour turned into bar hopping and 3am salsa dancing. We had an amazing time, great conversation, and he was gorgeous! Sticking to our rule, I did nothing more than let him crash at my place so he didn’t have to drive home. We ended up staying up most of the night talking and he took an amazing picture off my balcony of my view of the city, which is why he’s been named Panorama.

Before Panorama left, he texted me the picture of my view so that I would have his number… then proceeded to text back and forth the next day. THEN NOTHING. For 2 days straight… NOTHING! If you like a girl, sniff her ass… if you don’t, show your teeth. But why the mind games? Why leave a text unanswered for 2 days? Especially after it seems like everything is going great?

I was about to jump out of my skin so I finally formed a cute and witty text to let him know I was still in the picture. He responded and seemed interested and flattered… but A. Why did it take so much effort to get a response? and B. Why am I still unsure of where things stand?

Out of all the guys I’ve met on this crazy spinster journey, this one is the only guy I’ve actually felt that instant connection that everyone talks about. I don’t know if it’s chemistry or butterflies or too many vodka sodas, but I like him so I’ll continue to play his foolish games… but let it be known, I’m damn competitive!

-M

What a Tripp – Part 2

So just in case we weren’t sure that Tripp, 38 sends the exact same douchy email to every girl he finds attractive on EH, here is what I received tonight (And if you read What a Tripp by E, please feel free to skip to the end):

Hi There,

I hope this message finds you doing very well. I’m certain a girl with a great profile that is as attractive as you are gets a ton of correspondence every day so I apologize in advance for adding to it.

However, I was hoping for the opportunity to get to know you better. I think that we share some common interests and you look like a lot of fun. So let me give you my very best sales pitch on me. I’m a really nice guy (I know, what else would I say, right?). I make a good living running my own business. My house stays clean and my grass gets cut. I play rec league basketball, softball and soccer to vent some aggression and I snowboard in the winter just for fun. I also try to lift weights regularly so that I can avoid talking about the good shape that I used to be in.

And that’s about it. Oh, if sense of humor is high on your list, my friends seem to enjoy my comedic stylings. So maybe there is another reason for the “Yes, I think I will write him back” side of your page. For example:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle 😉 

Anyway . . . . I hope that you will accept that unsolicited corny joke as my way of saying how unique you appear at first glance and that I’d like to know more.

Sincerely Tripp

Not a single word changed or different.  No wonder you’re 38 and single Tripp… if you treat every woman as if she’s the exact same, you either have mommy issues or you’re just a tool.  Sorry Snoop, not interested in being just another number… good luck with the next girl.

-M

Code Blue

Last Friday when Greg Focker, RN hulked out on my friend, I was left with a sour taste in my mouth.  I decided not to give up on him and let him have a shot to redeem himself.  This week he certainly had his tail between his legs and I enjoyed the thorough ass kissing.  Tuesday night we had dinner together and I was feeling better about the whole situation.  That all changed yesterday and I’m calling a Code Blue on the Murse.  For those of you not in the medical field, Code Blue is a major medical emergency like a heart attack.  Unfortunately, I think this is past resuscitation. 

We decided to get together for an impromptu tennis match and I wore my tightest workout leggings for his viewing enjoyment.  We played until dusk and I asked what he was doing the rest of the evening, which he replied he was just going to lay low.  I asked if he wanted to grab a bite to eat, he said sure, and off we went to change out of our workout clothes.   Before walking out the door to dinner, he said the dreaded words “I need to talk to you about something.”  Ugh my stomach dropped and I was thinking – how the hell did he find out about this blog???  Not the case.  He confessed that he is still talking to his ex, who wants to “just be friends.”  He had plans to hang out with her and blew her off to spend time with me, which in turn sent her off the deep end.  He felt he couldn’t get dinner with me and needed to deal with her drama.  I got blown off for the ex!!!  I guess I can appreciate him coming clean about the drama, but that is certainly not something I want to be in the middle of.  I played it cool and commiserated that we all have ex drama at some point in our lives, but in my head I was thinking – you dumb mother effer.  I almost wish he would have lied at the start and said he had plans for dinner with a friend.  Some things you just need to keep to yourself.   Greg Focker, you are out of the circle of trust.

-E

What a Tripp

I can’t help but share this ridiculously cheesy email I received yesterday from Tripp, 38.  I don’t feel the need to change his name for anonymonity purposes, as this tool needs to be called out.

Hi There,

I hope this message finds you doing very well. I’m certain a girl with a great profile that is as attractive as you are gets a ton of correspondence every day so I apologize in advance for adding to it.

However, I was hoping for the opportunity to get to know you better. I think that we share some common interests and you look like a lot of fun. So let me give you my very best sales pitch on me. I’m a really nice guy (I know, what else would I say, right?). I make a good living running my own business. My house stays clean and my grass gets cut. I play rec league basketball, softball and soccer to vent some aggression and I snowboard in the winter just for fun. I also try to lift weights regularly so that I can avoid talking about the good shape that I USED to be in.

And that’s about it. Oh, I was voted most likely to “make you laugh” in high school so if sense of humor is high on your list, maybe there is another reason for the “Yes, I think I will write him back” side of your page. For example:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle 😉

Anyway . . . . I hope that you will accept that unsolicited corny joke as my way of saying how unique you appear at first glance and that I’d like to know more.

I’m quite certain this DB copies and pastes this exact email to every girl he is matched up with.  He makes no attempt to personalize the email to me, and clearly didn’t read my profile.  Here’s why I say that – in the religious affiliation subject, I’m listed as “neither spiritual or religious.”  Let me share a paragraph from his profile:

“God’s only requirement for marriage is that we be equally yoked to another follower of Jesus Christ. Of course, the more biblical a person is, the better. And, I will admit to my superficiality here and confess that I really prefer slender and athletic type women.”

Yoked???  His profile should have read SWM seeks SWF who is skinny, hot and loves JC. All others need not apply. #getyourkneepadsready

-E

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