We’re Back….

We apologize for the brief hiatus in our blog, but we needed to pause for a while to allow the creative juices to start flowing.  It wasn’t until we met one of our loyal readers that we understood how much we’d been lacking in the writing department.  A mutual friend introduced us to Buzz, who we endearingly named for her fabulous new do.  She was genuinely interested in our dating escapades and commentary, and it made us realize it’s not only our close family and friends who read the blog and to whom we’re accountable.  For that, we’re deeply sorry and will be much better about keeping up!  It’s not that the spinsters have been sidelined, but the documentation of our antics has yet to be broadcast.   Trust me, we have a lot to tell you!  With that, I will leave you with the promise of stories in the very near future.  Of course, we could just end this entire blog if Buzz would introduce me to Liam in October… I’m more woman than Miley will ever be!  #cradlerobber*sigh*  -M

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He’s Got 99 Problems… But This Bitch Ain’t One!

Spinster Saturday took us to historic Southend where we didn’t have a lot of luck save one very attractive gentleman who was the lone single man acting as DD for his married buddies. He was a cross between Justin Timberlake and Mr. Schuester but reached 6’3 so I was immediately intrigued! We hit it off and he stayed till close chatting me up, even when his friends decided to walk home. Since he revealed that he never drinks, I trusted him to give me a ride home and after he walked me to my door, he gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. I pulled out as much swag as I could muster from my drunken haze and put my digits in his phone. He immediately texted me on his way home and we drunkenly (on my part) flirted till we both passed out. Then I got this text message from him the next day:

Hi.  I want to let you know that I won’t call.  Without telling you my whole life, I am in a relationship.  A very confusing one.  I am not single, but I am single.  None of this makes sense I’m sure.  I don’t even know that you care.  But if you do, I know all too well what it is like to be excited and waiting on a phone call, and not get that call, so thought I would be upfront and honest with you so you might not have to feel that.  You seem like a great girl, very smart, and that you have your shit together.  You don’t want me, I’m damaged goods, and would only be wasting your time with me.  Sure this is all very weird to you, just wanted to explain.  It was very nice to have met you, and best of luck to you.  You’ll find a decent one I’m sure of it.

You’re right, but if you’re in a relationship and out flirting with me then I don’t want to waste my time with your damaged goods. And if your married friends were any warning, when they took off their wedding rings to hit on the 20-somethings I should have run. But where, sir, was this honesty when you were hitting on me Saturday night? You cannot blame your indiscretion on alcohol because you were sober!!  As my good friend E says, there are two kinds of people in this world you can’t trust: those who don’t drink and those who collect stickers.  Bottoms up!-M

Lessons from Eharmony – End of an Era

Online dating sucks.  We understand that the online thing works and has worked for a lot of people (E’s mom for example). For us however, it has yielded less-than-favorable results.  As our EH subscriptions come to an end, we thought we’d pause for a moment of reflection before starting the next adventure.  Although it’s only been a few months, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, men, and online dating.  Here are a few of the lessons we have learned:

  •  We put a valiant effort into online dating but we are women who cannot successfully date online due to the lack of chemistry and swagger.  Let us explain…when you go online, instead of seeing a person up-close, hearing him speak and watching him move, what you get is a blurry, postage-stamp size series of static photos which cannot be heard, felt, or smelled.  There is no substitute for in-person encounters and the connection you feel with that person.  By going online, you’re subverting a process that has worked just fine for propagating the human species for the past 3 million years.
  • Know who you are and what you want and don’t let any friend or any man change that.  We are dating to find someone who we can’t live without and it is perfectly normal to have extremely high expectations of that person.  Don’t let anyone tell you to lower your expectations or standards because then we’re just settling for the sake of being in a relationship.  Getting married doesn’t guarantee happiness; it only guarantees the end of dating.  Shouldn’t it end with someone that you always dreamed about?
  • We can’t date simple men.  We are complex, emotionally complicated, intelligent women who need men who can balance us.  Simple men get overwhelmed by our chaotic lives and cannot handle it.  It’s like oil and water: simple and hot-mess don’t mix.
  • The algorithms and points of compatibility that Eharmony uses to match you are a crock of shit.  While you may be a good match on paper with a man, in person it may be an absolute flub.  Data about characteristics like personality and attitudes cannot accurately predict how that real life interaction will function.  An online photo and a few email exchanges are poor proxies for chemistry sparked by meeting in person, which leads to a lot of disappointing first dates.
  • Never buy more than a one month membership.  The dating sites will try to rope you in for extended periods of time by offering discounted rates or bonus features, but you’ll know within a couple weeks if there are any decent profiles worth your 30 seconds of attention.
  • Each EH date is a like a mini relationship, complete with a mini breakup.  We also feel like it lends to microwaving something that really ought to be slow-cooked. You may or may not like someone within the first few seconds of meeting, but that doesn’t mean the jury should immediately render a verdict.  Instead, we tend to lean towards calling the jury back prematurely rather than looking to maybe begin a friendship.
  • This is one of the most exciting times in our lives so why rush the process? Hopefully, once we’re happily married, we’ll never date again, but that also means we probably won’t spend our free time trying new things for the sake of love or savoring the experiences this path has led us to.  Not because we can’t or don’t want to, but life will take us in a newly thrilling direction and by that time we hope to have gotten all we could out of this period.  So why rush it?!?  It’s a fun, uncomplicated, challenging, yet important time in our lives and we hope to live it to the fullest!

So the process continues… Just because we failed at online dating, and the bar scene isn’t our forte, doesn’t mean these two determined foxes will be giving up any time soon.  We move on from EH, a little wiser, a bit more self-aware, tougher skin intact, possibly a tad bitter, but definitely more resolute in our want to be happy with ourselves and a life-long partner.  So here is the tough part, how do we meet him?  We have a few things up our sleeves that are in the works already, but suggestions are always welcome!

-E&M

Profile Problems

As we wrap up our 3 month stint on Eharmony, we thought it necessary to comment on the serious flaws with mens’ online dating profiles.  I give a dedicated 30 seconds of my attention to every profile, so you better make it count.  Your profile should provide me with pictures and compelling evidence as to why I should date you.  Here are some reasons why I won’t:

  • Grammatical errors – I know I’ve posted on this before, but it is a serious issue.  It is 2012 and all computers are equipped with spell check – so use it!
  • Age ain’t nothing but a number – If you are an old balding man with glasses with an age listed as 26, you aren’t fooling anyone.  Unless of course you are Benjamin Button.
  • No photos – Maybe I am just shallow but I’m gonna need to see some pictures before agreeing to go out with you. If you have none, or only one pic, I really don’t have a clue what you look like, and I’m not wasting my time writing back.
  • Photos with your ex – You know who that girl is in the photo.  I know who that girl is in the photo.  I don’t need to see what your ex looks like before I’ve even met you.
  • Self-photography in your bathroom – This tells me you have no friends to take a picture of you.  Or you haven’t been in a social setting in years.  Ever heard of Facebook?
  • Photos with your shirt off – I appreciate an active man and that you work out.  But this just screams COCKY and I would enjoy if a little could be left to the imagination.
  • Photos from a distance – Sure, a couple of big group shots of you as a tiny dot are fine if you are trying to show me some of the cool things you like to do (eg. skiing or surfing). But if all of your pics are from far away, I really don’t know what you look like and that’s a problem. (See above).
  • Photos of your dog – I love puppies as much as the next person, but I don’t want to date your puppy. Want to put a pic of you with your pup? Perfect! But an entire slide show of your dog doing different things is just silly.
  • Incomplete profiles – I understand the process of filling out the endless EH profile can be exhausting, but take a look at this gem to prove my point.  “The six things I could never do without: phone , newpepper.”  First: what is newpepper? Second: That’s only two things.

It really is no wonder that we weren’t successful in online dating after seeing what these cyber men had to offer. 

-E

Lessons from Eharmony, Volume 3

There’s nothing like a night out with girlfriends to give you some perspective on dating and men.   Every woman has her list of what she wants in an ideal partner.  If you’ve read anything I’ve written height would be at the top of my list, followed closely by emotional maturity, sense of humor, athleticism, and a good friend.  Online dating sites, such as eHarmony, allow you to make that list and the computer individually picks out the men on the site that match it.  There is just one problem: computers can’t detect chemistry or swagger.

I have dated men that were perfect on paper, but in person the connection was missing.  I’ve also dated men who didn’t meet any of my requirements, but had enough swagger to sweep me off my feet.  You cannot fake swagger or chemistry and it can make or break a relationship.  Online dating isn’t conducive for those of us looking to make a connection with someone because it’s all about the list and not about the swag.

Most online daters will tell you that when on a date, it only takes 5 minutes to know if the spark is there or not.  If it’s not there, the rest of the date can be excruciating.  One of the foxy ladies I went out with last night had a fabulous idea to solve this issue.  How about an online dating site with 5 minute videos of each person?  It may save us from horrendous dates and it may also introduce us to some new ones that we would have overlooked based on the list alone.

-M

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Proof All Men in Charlotte are Short

Weekend Update

I just wanted to touch on a couple of points from the weekend.

A.  Either men in Charlotte haven’t hit their growth spurt yet or E and I are gargantuan.  Not only did this Spinster Saturday again prove the 8/4 theory (see previous post entitled 10,8,5,4 What?!), but it also showed that the average height for eligible bachelors is somewhere around 5’8”.  This is extremely unsettling for me being 5’8” myself and around 6’ with a quality pair of Badgley Mishkas.  If you live somewhere where men are bred as Jolly Green Giants minus the St. Patty’s hue, make room on your couch because I need to visit!B.  If a guy seems too good to be true, he is.  I’ve been emailing back and forth with a guy on EH who seemed amazing: good looks, tall, loves kids, healthy, funny, good grammar.  If I had a check list, he would get a check for almost everything on it.  He pursued me, made me feel like he was extremely interested, and gave me his number so I could call to set up a date.  IT WAS A BOGUS NUMBER!  Why would you go through all of that trouble to seek me out, email back and forth, and ask me out, only to give me the brush off!?!  I got the feeling it was too good to be true and tried not to get excited about him, but it’s hard when your options are limited.  Note to self: follow your instincts – that little voice inside knows more than you do!

C.  I have amazing friends!  This was the last Spinster Saturday for a while due to scheduling conflicts and even if the men weren’t biting, we still know how to have a great time on our own.  A special shout-out to KiKi and her sister Coco for cameo appearances and of course my girl E for keeping me sane.-M

Lessons from Eharmony, Volume 2

One of the biggest things EHarmony has taught us is that dating isn’t easy.  We have tried to make it enjoyable and funny for our amusement as well as our readers’; but for the most part, it kind of blows.  E and I have both been absent from blogging the past week or so because we’ve each been struggling with some different demons.  It’s easy to write when you feel good and life is uncomplicated, but when doubts and insecurities start to creep into your psyche, the stream of consciousness gets dammed.

For one, it’s hard to use dating as a tool to get over someone when you’re constantly reminded of how horrible the dating pool is.  It makes you question if the man you’re trying to put in your past isn’t worth a second chance in your present…  I mean clearly he’s not as bad as the rest of the guys you’re dating, right?  But to quote a very strong super-fox’s post from before, “It’s called a break-up because it’s broken!”

Also, women are known for being monogamous and men think it’s because we fall in love easily and can’t see ourselves with anyone else.  But the truth is it’s damn hard and a lot of work impressing a guy and once you get one hooked, it’s not worth the time and effort going after the rest.  It’s difficult seeing the look of disappointment in a man’s eyes when you don’t live up to his expectations or feeling the frustration of rejection repeatedly.

I don’t want you all to think that this blog is now going to turn into a sentimental pity party for single women, because what the hell fun would that be?!  Nevertheless we want everyone to know there are peaks and valleys to this whole dating thing. Thank God we have our friends to get us through them!

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; Stand a little taller; Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” – Kelly Clarkson

-M

Lessons from Eharmony, Volume 1

When it boils down to it, the purpose of this blog and our online dating adventures was to learn more about ourselves and what we are truly looking for in a partner.  Two months into the process, we’ve had some eye opening and soul searching moments (along with quite a few laughs).  This begins a multi-post installment of “Lessons from Eharmony.”

I have been out with some men that are just SIMPLE.  They lead simple lives, have simple interests, and just move from one day to the next.  Not that simple is a bad thing, but I think too many men have taken Lynard Skynard’s lyrics to heart. 

I am NOT simple.  I am somewhat of a hot mess, but I am complex.  I have many layers.  Everything about me is not on the surface and I can’t just describe myself in a few words.

Eharmony has taught me that I can’t date a simple man.  They can’t handle me.  Not in a crazy kinda way, but I just have too much for simple men.  Simple men don’t understand me, which is why I chew them up and spit them out.  However let me be clear that simple is not a bad thing.. it’s just not what I need. 

So how do I find a complex man?  What kind of qualities do they possess?  Or is it just about finding one that can handle my complexity?  Ahhh, thoughts to ponder…

-E

Single Girl’s Glossary

Chupacabra – a mythical creature of Mexican folklore. In dating terms, the PERFECT man (we all know he doesn’t exist). “E’s chupacabra is a tall, light skinned black man with green eyes, preferably a doctor.”

Hash tagging – this symbol (#) has become a new way to add a thought, or sum up a sentence, giving it more clarity, and often more wit. Most commonly found in tweets, Facebook status, and comments. “We missed you on Spinster Saturday #separationanxiety.” Or… “I got three bouquets of flowers at work today #mycoworkersthinkimawhore.”

Pickleback – instant hangover cure consisting of a shot of Jameson Whiskey and a shot of pickle juice

Raven – E’s alter dating ego

Single Woman Squalor – a state of complete disarray in a single woman’s living quarters. Hair on the bathroom floor, ice cream bowls in the sink, shopping bags on the couch. “My parents are coming to visit this weekend. I guess I should clean up the empty Girl Scout cookie boxes and cat hair so they don’t think I live in complete single woman squalor.”

Spinster – a single woman past the conventional age of marriage. It is not uncommon for a spinster to have had many short term romantic relationships and blame her singleness on her career. “Official Spinster diet: Lean Cuisine pizza, Diet Dr. Pepper, gum, Pirate’s Booty, bottle of wine, and a 4 pack of Slim Fast shakes #spinsterspokesmodel.”

Tease-o-saurus – a spinster’s favorite dinosaur. “I wouldn’t have sex with him #teaseosaurus.”

Tool – the semi-popular rock band from the 90’s.  If a man lists Tool as his favorite band, it is grounds for halting all communication.

Zone – the state of mind when a single woman is at the prime of her sexiness/fliratiousness/drunkedness.  Taken from the Kanye and Jay Z song “N*ggas in Paris.” #dontletmeintomyzone

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