Lessons from Eharmony – End of an Era

Online dating sucks.  We understand that the online thing works and has worked for a lot of people (E’s mom for example). For us however, it has yielded less-than-favorable results.  As our EH subscriptions come to an end, we thought we’d pause for a moment of reflection before starting the next adventure.  Although it’s only been a few months, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, men, and online dating.  Here are a few of the lessons we have learned:

  •  We put a valiant effort into online dating but we are women who cannot successfully date online due to the lack of chemistry and swagger.  Let us explain…when you go online, instead of seeing a person up-close, hearing him speak and watching him move, what you get is a blurry, postage-stamp size series of static photos which cannot be heard, felt, or smelled.  There is no substitute for in-person encounters and the connection you feel with that person.  By going online, you’re subverting a process that has worked just fine for propagating the human species for the past 3 million years.
  • Know who you are and what you want and don’t let any friend or any man change that.  We are dating to find someone who we can’t live without and it is perfectly normal to have extremely high expectations of that person.  Don’t let anyone tell you to lower your expectations or standards because then we’re just settling for the sake of being in a relationship.  Getting married doesn’t guarantee happiness; it only guarantees the end of dating.  Shouldn’t it end with someone that you always dreamed about?
  • We can’t date simple men.  We are complex, emotionally complicated, intelligent women who need men who can balance us.  Simple men get overwhelmed by our chaotic lives and cannot handle it.  It’s like oil and water: simple and hot-mess don’t mix.
  • The algorithms and points of compatibility that Eharmony uses to match you are a crock of shit.  While you may be a good match on paper with a man, in person it may be an absolute flub.  Data about characteristics like personality and attitudes cannot accurately predict how that real life interaction will function.  An online photo and a few email exchanges are poor proxies for chemistry sparked by meeting in person, which leads to a lot of disappointing first dates.
  • Never buy more than a one month membership.  The dating sites will try to rope you in for extended periods of time by offering discounted rates or bonus features, but you’ll know within a couple weeks if there are any decent profiles worth your 30 seconds of attention.
  • Each EH date is a like a mini relationship, complete with a mini breakup.  We also feel like it lends to microwaving something that really ought to be slow-cooked. You may or may not like someone within the first few seconds of meeting, but that doesn’t mean the jury should immediately render a verdict.  Instead, we tend to lean towards calling the jury back prematurely rather than looking to maybe begin a friendship.
  • This is one of the most exciting times in our lives so why rush the process? Hopefully, once we’re happily married, we’ll never date again, but that also means we probably won’t spend our free time trying new things for the sake of love or savoring the experiences this path has led us to.  Not because we can’t or don’t want to, but life will take us in a newly thrilling direction and by that time we hope to have gotten all we could out of this period.  So why rush it?!?  It’s a fun, uncomplicated, challenging, yet important time in our lives and we hope to live it to the fullest!

So the process continues… Just because we failed at online dating, and the bar scene isn’t our forte, doesn’t mean these two determined foxes will be giving up any time soon.  We move on from EH, a little wiser, a bit more self-aware, tougher skin intact, possibly a tad bitter, but definitely more resolute in our want to be happy with ourselves and a life-long partner.  So here is the tough part, how do we meet him?  We have a few things up our sleeves that are in the works already, but suggestions are always welcome!

-E&M

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You’ve Got Mail

If you weren’t convinced that online dating sucks after my previous post, you’ll certainly agree now.  I officially ended my subscription to Eharmony, but before doing so I spent some time re-reading the correspondence from Charlotte’s Most Eligible.  From what I can gather, in an attempt to initiate conversation men will send one of the five following types of email:

1.  The “I’m Boring” email – This email is short and to the point but is guaranteed to ask the same 3 questions.

  • Where are you from?
  • How long have you been in Charlotte?
  • What do you do for fun?

I get it, you’re just trying to get to know me.  But I just fell asleep at my laptop.

2.  The “Hey” email – That’s it.  That’s all it says.  Sometimes they will get courageous and ask how your day is going or if you had a good weekend.  This type of guy is generally afraid of being shot down, so he just doesn’t take the time to compose an email consisting of more than two sentences.

3.  The “Cut and Paste” email – We caught this type of offender on his BS (see What a Tripp, Parts 1-3).  Guys like this are just playing a numbers game.  They figure if they send out the same email to enough girls, eventually one lame girl will take the bait.

4.  The “I Never Graduated Kindergarten” email – I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi.  Sue me (see Two Too Many Winkies post).  But I still don’t want to date a guy who sends me an email sans capitalization or with tons of weird slang and smiley faces. To me this indicates you are either lazy or completely uneducated. Either way, we aren’t going to work out.

5.  The “Desperado” email – This is when one of the guys above emails you again, asking why you never wrote back. Heeey creeper. Yea, I wasn’t interested the first time, but now that you are stalking me, I am totally going to write you back.

Once you’ve grouped a crappy email into one of these five categories, it’s generally easy to spot a good one.  Anything else will be promptly ignored and I’ll save my time and witty banter for someone deserving.

-E

Lessons from Eharmony, Volume 1

When it boils down to it, the purpose of this blog and our online dating adventures was to learn more about ourselves and what we are truly looking for in a partner.  Two months into the process, we’ve had some eye opening and soul searching moments (along with quite a few laughs).  This begins a multi-post installment of “Lessons from Eharmony.”

I have been out with some men that are just SIMPLE.  They lead simple lives, have simple interests, and just move from one day to the next.  Not that simple is a bad thing, but I think too many men have taken Lynard Skynard’s lyrics to heart. 

I am NOT simple.  I am somewhat of a hot mess, but I am complex.  I have many layers.  Everything about me is not on the surface and I can’t just describe myself in a few words.

Eharmony has taught me that I can’t date a simple man.  They can’t handle me.  Not in a crazy kinda way, but I just have too much for simple men.  Simple men don’t understand me, which is why I chew them up and spit them out.  However let me be clear that simple is not a bad thing.. it’s just not what I need. 

So how do I find a complex man?  What kind of qualities do they possess?  Or is it just about finding one that can handle my complexity?  Ahhh, thoughts to ponder…

-E

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