You’ve Got Mail

If you weren’t convinced that online dating sucks after my previous post, you’ll certainly agree now.  I officially ended my subscription to Eharmony, but before doing so I spent some time re-reading the correspondence from Charlotte’s Most Eligible.  From what I can gather, in an attempt to initiate conversation men will send one of the five following types of email:

1.  The “I’m Boring” email – This email is short and to the point but is guaranteed to ask the same 3 questions.

  • Where are you from?
  • How long have you been in Charlotte?
  • What do you do for fun?

I get it, you’re just trying to get to know me.  But I just fell asleep at my laptop.

2.  The “Hey” email – That’s it.  That’s all it says.  Sometimes they will get courageous and ask how your day is going or if you had a good weekend.  This type of guy is generally afraid of being shot down, so he just doesn’t take the time to compose an email consisting of more than two sentences.

3.  The “Cut and Paste” email – We caught this type of offender on his BS (see What a Tripp, Parts 1-3).  Guys like this are just playing a numbers game.  They figure if they send out the same email to enough girls, eventually one lame girl will take the bait.

4.  The “I Never Graduated Kindergarten” email – I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi.  Sue me (see Two Too Many Winkies post).  But I still don’t want to date a guy who sends me an email sans capitalization or with tons of weird slang and smiley faces. To me this indicates you are either lazy or completely uneducated. Either way, we aren’t going to work out.

5.  The “Desperado” email – This is when one of the guys above emails you again, asking why you never wrote back. Heeey creeper. Yea, I wasn’t interested the first time, but now that you are stalking me, I am totally going to write you back.

Once you’ve grouped a crappy email into one of these five categories, it’s generally easy to spot a good one.  Anything else will be promptly ignored and I’ll save my time and witty banter for someone deserving.

-E

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What a Tripp – Part 3: The Final Chapter

Today we decided we’d had enough of Tripp’s douchebaggery and drafted a response to his carbon copy email.  We gave him a dose of his own medicine and sent the exact email at the exact same time.  For your viewing enjoyment:

Hi There,

I hope this message finds you doing very well. I’m certain a guy like you with such witty jokes gets a ton of correspondence back from that generic email you send to every match on EHarmony so I apologize in advance for adding to it. 

Unfortunately your transparently nonspecific message outweighs your sales pitch, but I had to take a moment to comment on your failed attempt at flattery. 

I’m assuming that by my “unique appearance” you mean you like my pictures. However, you must see a lot of “unique” girls on EHarmony. Perhaps if you spent a little more time reading a match’s profile, instead of just flipping through the pictures looking for a gorgeous, athletic woman you may find a little more success at online dating. Furthermore, what common interests do you think we share? Since nothing you mentioned in your email or that I can find on your profile leads me to believe that we have any interests that are the same. 

I hope you will accept my unsolicited corny joke as a way of saying how offensive and impersonal I found your email to be.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Sincerely,

Uninterested

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